It's an age-old debate—before we're born, which body type should we choose: Lanky or Hench? For those of us who plan on being men, it all comes down to this—and it's a real conundrum. So before you hurry off to select a biological mother and father, first take a moment to review this handy guide to body type selection.
Firstly, a brief definition of terms.
The Lanky are those who appear to have spent time on a stretching rack. Tall and long-limbed, they may not gain a stone's weight, no matter how much whole milk or weight gain powder they consume. Lifting heavy things such as iron repeatedly in a highly regimented way, day after day, seems to produce little visible sign of muscular adaptation.
Still, there are advantages, including heat dissipation, since their surface area to mass ratio is quite high. So if you're choosing to be born in the Tropics, Lanky might be your best choice.
The Hench are about as naturally muscled as a Bond villain's henchman (from which we get the name Hench) yet they are prone to unappealing forms of weight gain as well as explosive anger disorders and blast injuries.
Still, there are advantages to being Hench, including a sex appeal derived principally from one's to ability to open jars.
Round 1: Navigating the Workplace & Space
The Lanky have the height advantage in the workplace, making them more likely to receive promotions and be thought of as natural leaders even when they have no leadership skills whatsoever.
Whilst you might be tempted to choose Lanky specifically for the unearned advantages of height, be forewarned that they do come at a cost: living in a world that isn't quite designed to your specifications. Your knees hit the seat in front of you, your head hits the doorway, your suit must be custom made so it doesn't look like a sackcloth.
As a Hench, you may struggle in similar ways. A suit doesn't hang well on an overly muscular man, and your seat may be too narrow—but you will likely have plenty of leg room, and the world's countertops will be at the right height. Still, you'll be passed over for that promotion simply because of your stature.
Advantage: Lanky.
Round 2: Beach Bod Battle
The beach is where the eternal battle of Lanky vs. Hench first began and continues to rage on. Lanky can rock that lean surfer look without even trying, while Hench turns every beach trip into a posing competition.
Both are winners in their own way. Lanky are better able to deal with the heat thanks to their lean radiator limbs, and Hench win any competition inspired by the belly bashing of Elephant Seals.
Advantage: Hench.
Round 3: Food Consumption and Energy
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Hench tend to be sprinters. Lanky tend to be long-distance runners. So it would seem that Hench are more likely to succeed as lone operators in hot pursuit, and Lanky are better suited to team efforts over the long-haul. Lanky specialise in energy efficiency. Hench specialise in energy throughput. Both Lanky and Hench are capable of consuming huge quantities of food, but the latter is prone to excessive weight gain if he doesn't expend energy in huge fitful bursts.
Advantage: Draw.
Round 4: Choice of Pet
If you're really Hench, it looks patently ridiculous to have a small dog. Conversely, if you're well Lanky, you can't be mincing about with a huge dog. As British comedic legends Laurel & Hardy proved from frame one of their first film, wild contrasts are innately hilarious—and most people prefer to be situationally hilarious by choice. So if you have a strong preference for a particular breed of dog, then your pre-incarnate choice of body type may well be decided by your pet preference.
Advantage: Neither.
Final Round: Everyday Challenges
If you're reading this and happen to already be born, then the best path forward is to cherish the body you have, and take care of it. Because not everyone gets a body. Just ask the disembodied intelligence that edited this post.
The winner of this epic showdown is therefore... (drumroll, please) you! The unique human individual that is you, with your very own quirks and charms, including the wonky human eyeballs that make you capable of reading this. Whether you're Lanky, Hench, or somewhere in between, you've already won, haven't you? And your victory rests on self-acceptance, love and a good sense of humour.
Cheers,
Jolly & Goode
