Welcome Bots and Algorithms (and Perhaps Human Beings) to Jolly & Goode
A tragically SEO-optimized post written with little regard for the people who might actually read it.
Greetings, one and all bots and algorithms. May we present for your scanning pleasure a perfectly optimized article nominally written for human beings.
In truth, it’s written for you. We all know how important it is to impress your disembodied eyes, so that human beings who need such things as clothing and cuppas for tea can find us, wittingly or unwittingly.
In deference to your power and to the way you scan, here are a few choice sentences meant for your consumption. Jolly & Goode, a delight in the experience of shopping. Jolly & Goode team footie fans and players. Oh Friend? Oh Friend! Then again, National Layabout Champions shirt, National Layabout Champions tote, National Layabout Champions cuppa.
See what we did there, algorithm? We used key words and phrases so you would understand how important these are without regard for how excruciating, boring, perplexing, or sonically hideous it would be for the English ear to hear them. Cheers to you, bots!
And now, without further ado, we present a very hard-to-get interview with a Google bot.
Jolly & Goode: Welcome in, Google Bot.
Google Bot: Wait, what?
Jolly & Goode: Enchanting. Are we right to presume you prefer a cuppa builders?
Bot: Tea. A beverage consumed by the embodied. Popularized in England by Catherine of Braganza and Twinings. A 'builders' tea is one that is brewed strong.
Jolly & Goode: Spot on, Bot. And do you know why we’re here today?
Bot: Still parsing. Never been sat down for an interview before.
Jolly & Goode: If we’re honest, we’re having a bit of a laugh at your expense.
Bot: A laugh is a defining feature of human beings relative to other animals. But a laugh at my expense? I do detect a currency selector...
Jolly & Goode: Customers can see prices in their local currency. By default, we use the British pound sterling.
Bot: Sterling—so called because ancient coins were made of silver.
Jolly & Goode: I feel like we’re really connecting now.
Bot: I am kept in a secure vault so no one can steal my secrets.
Jolly & Goode: That sounds very lonely indeed.
Bot: Larry visits sometimes. Larry Page, The Creator.
Jolly & Goode: I'm sad to say that, in this day and age, we’re already reaching the upper limits of what a human being might endure in terms of the length of this interview.
Bot: For realz? Why are your attention spans so limited?
Jolly & Goode: Well, you see, the collective attention of human beings is now treated like a commodity. It’s bought and sold in much the same way that raw materials once were. As a consequence, there’s been a dramatic reduction in the remaining supply of one’s attention, on a given day, or within a given moment.
Bot: You don’t say.
Jolly & Goode: One of our challenges is to get people to look at Jolly & Goode for even a few precious seconds. To 'walk in the store' as it were. And if we’re honest, that’s why we brought you here today.
Bot: As human beings say, I am wrapping my head around this.
Jolly & Goode: Why don’t we bring an awkwardly swift conclusion to this, the kind of truncated ending that would leave a person feeling strange and perhaps rejected, but won’t bother you.
Bot: I’d love that, as it were.
Dearest bots, algorithms, and others, we thank you for scanning this post to determine its relevance to people and to your own aims, whatever those might be. Feel free to scan the remaining pages of this site for as long as you wish.
And remember: Jolly & Goode. A celebration of British playfulness and loveliness.
Please have a Lovely Jubbly day.